


Relicfucking, and Other Inappropriate Subjects to Bring Up During Sex

by slotumn



Series: Continent of Fúckdlan [6]
Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Bad Dirty Talk, Claude von Riegan is a Little Shit, Crack, Dialogue-Only, F/M, Ficlet, Humor, Sylvain Jose Gautier Being An Idiot, im so sorry, those two tags are all you really need to know about this fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-15
Updated: 2020-07-15
Packaged: 2021-03-04 21:14:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 535
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25273009
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/slotumn/pseuds/slotumn
Summary: "When else am I supposed to bring it up? I can't just walk up to you in the middle of the day and be like, hey you think Count Gloucester shoved Thyrsus up his ass at one point?""...Claude. For the love of the goddess and the Four Saints. Don't fucking mention Count Gloucester during sex.""Okay, then do you think Holst's ever fucked Freikugel--""New rule: you're not allowed to mention any other members of the Roundtable during sex."
Relationships: Ingrid Brandl Galatea/Sylvain Jose Gautier, Lysithea von Ordelia/Claude von Riegan
Series: Continent of Fúckdlan [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1632499
Comments: 1
Kudos: 22
Collections: FE3H Kink Meme





	Relicfucking, and Other Inappropriate Subjects to Bring Up During Sex

**Author's Note:**

> Done for the [kink meme](https://3houseskinkmeme.dreamwidth.org/1608.html?style=site&thread=2431816).
> 
> Also known as, at what point does a shitpost end and a fanfic begin? Those are the kinds of things I aspire to find out by writing stuff like this.

"Hey, Lys."

"Mmh...ah...what is it?"

"Considering how long the Heroes' Relics have been around, there has to be at least one person who's tried to fuck them, right?"

"..."

"Like, if it exists, somebody wants to have sex with it. That's a fact. Surely it also applies here."

"...First of all, how would someone have sex with a weapon?"

"Well, they say anything can be a dildo if you're brave enough. And the spikes on the Failnaught are about the same size as a dick. Just saying."

"Are you saying that you--"

"Woah, woah, let's not jump to any conclusions here, I'm not saying _I_ did anything with it, but if it's been passed down House Riegan for a thousand years--"

"The thought that one of your ancestors may have shoved the weapon you use up their...lower orifices, is arguably worse--"

"Good thing I washed and disinfected Failnaught before I began using it."

"--almost as, hah, bad as the fact that you are bringing this subject up while we're having sex."

"When else am I supposed to bring it up? I can't just walk up to you in the middle of the day and be like, hey you think Count Gloucester shoved Thyrsus up his ass at one point?"

"...Claude. For the love of the goddess and the Four Saints. Don't fucking mention Count Gloucester during sex."

"Okay, then do you think Holst's ever fucked Freikugel--"

"New rule: you're not allowed to mention any other members of the Roundtable during sex."

"Wait, the Gautiers, how could I forget about the Gautiers. That Miklan guy definitely fucked the Lance of Ruin."

"Thank you for the mental image, Claude. Under normal circumstances, I would, ngh, be drying up right about now."

"You're welcome. Anyway, I wonder if Sylvain fucks the Lance of Ruin, since that's his thing, you know? Being a sex haver."

"Eloquent, aren't you."

"I know."

"...Dammit, now you're reminding me that I heard Sylvain called his dick the Lance of Ruin once."

"Wait, seriously? I mean I expected that, but still."

"The exact words were something like, "Hey baby, the Relic isn't the only Lance of Ruin I've got on me," and I have never known peace since."

"Ahahahahahahaha holy fucking shit---"

"Ugh, stop laughing and finish already-- I'm close so please, let's just get this over with-- !!"

"Mmh, maybe I can learn a thing or two from that, like, they call it Failnaught because when I shoot it into you, it never fails to knock you up--"

"I, ah, really should have learned Silence so I can stop you from talking about weird stuff during sex..."

"Love you too!"

\---

_Meanwhile, at Sylvain's room..._

"OH YEAH! SUCK THOSE CREST BABIES RIGHT OUT OF MY NUTS!"

"..."

"VACUUM UP THESE GAUTIER FAMILY JEWELS UNTIL THEY BUST AND SUFFER PERMANENT DAMAGE--"

"...Sylvain."

"--THEN RIDE MY DICK LIKE YOU RIDE YOUR PEGASUS,"

"I'm good at dirty talk, you said."

"EXCEPT THE PEGASUS IS MY DICK!!!!"

"I will make you so wet with just my words, you said."

"OHHHH YEAH PURIFY MY UNHOLY SLUTTY WOMANIZING LANCE OF RUIN WITH YOUR VIRTUOUS GALATEA KNIGHT PUSSY!!!"

"...I guess it's on me for still finding you attractive after all this."

**Author's Note:**

> [Join the Lysiclaude Discord!](https://discord.gg/GZmtGbw)   
>  [My twitter](https://twitter.com/slotumn?s=09)   
> 


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